Riding Out the “R” Cycle

We all get caught up in what I call the “R” Cycle at some point in our life.  It starts with resentment (usually due to an unmet expectation), a  negative emotion that pulls us toward resistance.  Resistance triggers anger, avoidance, frustration, or even silence and we then become rebellious.  When an act of rebellion doesn’t get us an expected result, we spiral into retaliation or do our best to exact revenge. It’s a vicious cycle that repeats because retaliation and revenge never succeed at getting the long-term results we desire, we find we still have unmet expectations, and so the cycle repeats. 

There is a point at each stage of the cycle where we can stop the downward spiral. Recognizing that we are triggered is a great first step.  However insightful we may consider ourselves, triggers can quickly lead us down a path we later regret.  It’s up to us to apply the brakes.

We tend to be less resistant to what we take time to understand. Taking time is key. Slowing down doesn’t imply that we shouldn’t acknowledge our disappointment or our resentment. Slowing down helps us to respond vs. react.  There is a difference.

Reactions are instinctual replies borne of our biases, beliefs, frustrations, and prejudices.  A reaction can be an unconscious defense mechanism that leads us to rebellion.

Reacting:

• Is easy, it takes little if any, brain power to react
• Leaves us at the mercy of our emotions
• Can provide short-term results, but often disregards long-term consequences
• Can lead to regret for our actions or language

In the words of the great stoic philosopher Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters”. 

Responses are based on conscious and thoughtful considerations; taking time to weigh all perspectives.

Responding:

• Requires mental strength and discipline
• Compels us to build self-awareness and keeps us in line with our core values
• Can provide win-win solutions leading to long-term success
• Inspires others to respond in-kind

Responding can be a learned skill (reacting is a gut instinct), however, as with any other skill we develop, it takes practice.  The Enneagram Assessment is a great tool for building awareness around what triggers us to react.  Some personalities are triggered by injustice, some oppression, and others criticism or dishonesty.  Knowing your specific triggers and building response skills is a great place to start when we are learning to jump off the downward spiraling “R” cycle.   

I’ve been working with the Enneagram assessment for 20+ years.  It works well for individuals, couples, and teams who are working to improve self-awareness, communication, and leadership skills.  If you’d like to understand your specific triggers, or if you are caught up in that downward spiral and want to explore ways to jump off, schedule a free coaching call, and let’s get started.